Eartha Kitt Quote

"I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma."

Poet Pablo Neruda on the Subject

"When I die, I want your hands on my eyes: I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands to pass their freshness over me once more: I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep. I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you to sniff the sea’s aroma that we loved together, to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live, and you whom I love and sang above everything else to continue to flourish, full-flowered: so that you can reach everything my love directs you to, so that my shadow can travel along in your hair, so that everything can learn the reason for my song."

Pablo Neruda
Chilean poet
1904 - 1973

"The Dash" by Linda Ellis

I READ of a reverend who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend who died last week. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from beginning to end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and mentioned next the date of her death. He said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time the she spent alive on earth, and now only those who loved her know what that little line was worth.

It doesn’t matter how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. He said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time she spent alive on earth, and now only those who loved her know what that little line was worth. It doesn’t matter how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…are there things you would like to change? For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at “dash mid-range.”) If we could just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real, and try to understand the way other people feel. Be less quick to anger; show more appreciation and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile, remembering that this special dash might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash, will you be pleased with all the things they say about how you spent your dash? (Learn more about Linda Ellis @ www.lindaslyrics.com)

A Few Good Books on Death & Dying

IN NO particular order, here is a listing from my library of some really useful books on the subject of obituaries and death & dying:
** The Obituary Book by Alden Whitman
** The Dead Beat: Lost Souls Lucky Stiffs by Marilyn Johnson
** Bodies in Motion and at Rest: On Metaphor and Mortality by Thomas Lynch
** On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross...Kubler-Ross also wrote...Death, The Final Stage of Growth, Questions and Answers on Death and Dying, Living with Death and Dying and The Wheel of Life
** How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter by Sherwin B. Nuland
** The Last Word: The New York Times Book of Obituaries and Farewells, edited by Marvin Siegel
** What a Way to Go: Fabulous Funerals of the Famous and Infamous by Adele O. Brown ** Stiff: the Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach
** A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last by Stephen Levine
** Permanent Londoners, Permanent Parisians and Permanent Italians ~~ Illustrated, Biographical Guides to the Cemeteries of London, Paris and Italy by Judi Culbertson and Tom Randall
** Condolences and Eulogies: Finding the Perfect Words by Bettyanne Gillette

Quotes to Live & Die By

Alden Whitman:
"Only the young are immortal. Elderly people have reconciled themselves to mortality and are thus often willing to look back over their lives with a mixture of pride, candor, detachment and even amusement."

Alden Whitman:
"That's what an obit is supposed to be-a picture, a snapshot. It's not a full-length biography, it's not a portrait. It's a quick picture."

St. Augustine:
“Love never disappears for death is a non-event. I have merely retired to the next room. You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are. Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad. Continue to laugh at what made us laugh. Smile and think of me. Life means what it has always meant. The link is not severed. Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight? I will wait for you. I am not here, but just on the other side of the path. You see, all is well.”

Last Words of Emily Dickinson:
“Let us go in, the fog is rising.”

Edna St. Vincent Millay:
“My candle burns at both ends. It may not last the night, but oh, my friends, and ah, my foes, it sheds a wondrous light.”

Kahlil Gibran:
“Life is weaker than death, and death is weaker than love.”

Ed Grollman:
“It’s okay to scream at God. He can take it.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
“It is a time to be old,
To take in sail.”

Isaiah 43:19
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.”

Ed Grollman:
“There is no way to predict how you will feel when you are in grief. Each person mourns differently. You may be calm one moment…in turmoil the next. Reactions are varied and contradictory. Grief is universal. At the same time it is extremely personal. Heal in your own way.”

Winston Churchill:
“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

Vladimir Nabokov:
"Life is a great surprise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one."

Inspirational Stories & a Poem

A Grandmother’s love for her granddaughter, and the granddaughter’s startling realization of the finality of death, are poignantly described in this excerpt from the following short story:
At the Bay
by Katherine Mansfield
“Does everybody have to die?” asked Kezia.
“Everybody!”
“Me?” Kezia sounded fearfully incredulous.
“Some day, my darling.”
“But Grandma,” Kezia waved her leg and waggled her toes, “what if I just won’t?”
The old woman sighed again and drew a long thread from the ball.
“We’re not asked, Kezia,” she said sadly. “It happens to all of us sooner or later.”
Kezia lay still thinking this over. She didn’t want to die. It meant she would have to leave here, leave everywhere, for ever, leave—leave her grandma. She rolled over quickly.
“Grandma,” she said in a startled voice.
“What, my pet!”
“You’re not to die,” Kezia was very decided.
“Ah, Kezia” – her grandma looked up and smiled and shook her head—“let’s not talk about it.”
“But you’re not to; you couldn’t leave me. You couldn’t not be there.” This was awful. “Promise me you won’t ever do it, grandma,” pleaded Kezia.
The old woman went on knitting.
“Promise me! Say never!”
But still her grandma was silent.
Kezia rolled off the bed; she couldn’t bear it any longer, and lightly she leapt on to her grandma’s knees, clasped her hands round the old woman’s throat and began kissing her, under the chin, behind the ear, and blowing down her neck.
“Say never…say never…say never…” She gasped between the kisses. And the she began, very softly and lightly, to tickle her grandma.
“Kezia!” The old woman dropped her knitting. She swung back in the rocker. She began to tickle Kezia. “Say never, say never, say never,” gurgled Kezia, while they lay there laughing in each other’s arms.
“Come, that’s enough, my squirrel! That’s enough, my wild pony!” said old Mrs. Fairfield, setting her cap straight. “Pick up my knitting.”
Both of them had forgotten what the “never” was about.

Henry David Thoreau died of tuberculosis at the age of 44. Before he died, his aunt asked him if he was at peace with God, and Thoreau replied, “I was not aware that we had quarreled.”

The Broken Chain
Anonymous

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

Letting the Dead Depart

The Talmud tells a story about a great Rabbi who is dying, he has become a goses (a body between life and death, neither of heaven nor of earth) but he cannot die because outside all his students are praying for him to live and this is distracting to his soul. His maidservant climbs to the roof of the hut where the Rabbi is dying and hurls a clay vessel to the ground. The sound diverts the students, who stop praying. In that moment, the Rabbi dies and his soul goes to heaven. The maidservant, too, the Talmud says, is guaranteed her place in the world to come.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning
"How Do I Love Thee?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! – and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Sensational Obituary Samples

Excerpts of Personalized Obituaries
Following are excerpts from some obituaries that graciously utilize the “defining line” that was referred to earlier. See if you don’t agree that these are much more interesting and heartwarming than the standard obituary.

“Judith C. “Judy” Sweitzer, 58, passed away peacefully on November 29th…Judy’s calling in life was to be as a medical assistant serving the care and welfare of others. She found gratification in helping people and was at peace with the career she had chosen. Her smile was infectious. She was a good woman who lived her life to the fullest…”

“We are heartbroken at the loss of our beloved sister, sister-in-law, and aunt, and mourn with her devoted husband and adoring children. Her aesthetic sensibility, her love of literature and the arts, informed every aspect of her life. Of her it may be said, “She translated the poetry of moral aspiration into the prose of everyday life.”

“Pappy” as all his friends would call him, had a large impact on the bowling community. He was one of the founding members of the Mesa Bowling Association. As a bowler in 1958, Pappy had the first 300 shot in the Mesa Valley Area. But Pappy’s greatest asset was his ability to get the best out of others. He’d push you to your limit to do your best.”

“After 91 years of earthly existence, Rita Hernandez-Buffington began her journey to heaven on Thursday, June 22, 2000, in Boise, ID at her usual bed time, a little before 10 PM. She was born on May 12, 1909, in Hermosillo, Sonora, Mexico on a horse ranch owned by her Spanish-Basque parents…during the last 15 years of Rita’s life, she received what she had given to others, care and love.”

“Warren Siegal left us on Thursday, July 5, 2001 to ride with the other rodeo cowboys.”

“Maurice P. Chesler, devoted husband, beloved father, grandfather, and Jewish leader, died peacefully in his sleep on November 22, 2000 at 91 years of age. Cantor Chesler’s deeply resonant voice will be remembered for generations to come. Cantor Chesler will be remembered by his families for his love of tradition and Judaism, his awe-inspiring voice, his gentle manner, and his stories of Gerald McBoingBoing.”

”Robert Orr McCaslin, 88, of Peoria, AZ, peacefully completed his walk with the Lord on this earth at his home on May 21, 2001. He was an ordained minister in the United Presbyterian Church. May Bob delight in the presence of his Lord and Father whom he often said was closer than our hand or feet, indeed, closer than our very breath.”

THE POETIC FORM
Another obituary style uses a few verses of a favorite poem to capture the essence of the deceased. Use Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations or talk to a family member about the deceased’s favorite poems or poets to find an appropriate selection. Your family will help you understand how the excerpt connects to them and to your departed family member. In this example, the character and personality of the deceased come alive in four lines that amplify the selected quotation and personalize its impact on friends and family. Here are three examples of the poetic style of an obituary:

HOBBY EXAMPLE
When the present has latched its postern behind my tremulous stay,
And the May month flaps its glad green leaves like wings,
Delicate-filmed as new-spun silk, will the neighbors say,
“He was a man who used to notice such things.”
~~ Thomas Hardy

Willard Johnson was a man who noticed such things. Although a severe illness during the 1918 influenza epidemic rendered him nearly deaf, he taught his children and friends to listen for the joyous signs of spring: the first peepers, flocks of snow geese or the arrival each May of the Baltimore oriole. On his last day of life, those sounds were in the air again. Willard Johnson, 71, died Saturday, May 3, 1997, at the rural Suwanee County home where he and his wife, Elizabeth, raised their three children and lived for most of their lives.

RELIGIOUS EXAMPLE
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and he end, the first and the last.
~~ Revelation 22:13

The Shepherd has called home another member of His flock. Eunice Martin, 94, of Atlanta, GA, left this world for everlasting life on Sunday, April 5, 1998.

ATHLETE EXAMPLE
Not to the swift, the race:
Not to the strong, the fight:
Not to the righteous, perfect grace:
Not to the wise, the light.
~~ Henry Van Dyke

James White was swift, holding the Inter-scholastic League record of 4:12:4 for the mile run, a mark that has stood for 23 years. The last one out of the blocks at the Southeast Relays on May 14, 1974, he trailed the field of the city’s six best distance runners for most of the race that day, but edged out competitors at the finish line. He crossed life’s finish line a winner on Friday, August 28, 1998.

ENDEARING EXAMPLE
Selma Koch, a Manhattan lingerie store owner who earned a national reputation by helping women find the right bra size, mostly through a discerning glance and never with a tape measure, died Thursday, June 12, 2003, at Mount Sinai Medical Center, in New York City. She was 95 and a 34B.

An Unusual, but Effective, Obituary Style
In Loving Memory of Jane A. Smith

A TIME TO BE BORN ~ Jane A. Smith was born March 30, 1921, in Dayton, Ohio to Clara and James Lyles.
A TIME TO SERVE ~ Jane confessed to Christ at an early age and became a member of Baptist Church in Dayton, Ohio. Later moving to Mesa, Arizona, she united with Mesa First Baptist Church. Jane worked at Motorola for 22 years.
A TIME TO LOVE ~ Jane was united in holy matrimony to Percy Smith on October 22, 1941. They loved and cherished each other until he preceded her in death in 1969. Angel, as Jane was fondly known, was the most loving and caring person anyone could ever know. Her heavenly smile and sweet lvoice will surely be missed.
A TIME TO DIE ~ On Tuesday, June 8th, 2002, God embraced Jane in His arms and enfolded her in His love, relieving her of pain and suffering in exchange for eternal rest.A TIME TO REMEMBER ~ Cherishing her memories are: son, Alfred, Grandchildren, Brother James, Daughter-in-law Macie. Three goddaughters. A host of nieces, nephews, other relatives and friends.

How to Write Your Own Obituary

Here's How to Write Your Own State-of-the-Art Obituary, Assuming, of Course, that Someone Else Will Finish It!

by DON FRY, an affiliate of the Poynter Institute (www.poynter.org), out of Charlottesville, VA:

1. BOX List this data in a text box:
Your name, age, occupation and address
Your date and place of birth
Your memberships and military service
Fraternal, religious and civic organizations you belonged to
Your family, both deceased and surviving

2. SOURCE MATERIAL List these items elsewhere:
Your activities and achievements
Your favorite anecdotes and recollections about you

3. CORE Write a few rich paragraphs in the third person, answering this question: "What do I want people to remember about me?"

4. LEAD Write a short lead announcing your death and telling the reader what you and this obituary are about.

5. SECONDARY Select your "source material" rigorously, and write a few paragraphs from whatever survives. Arrange these paragraphs around your core.

6. RESUME Copy selected items, such as survivors, from the box to the text.

7. ENDING By now, an ending will occur to you, so type it.

8. POLISH Cut the text by 20 percent, repair the transitions, read aloud and revise. Write "DRAFT" and the date at the top, and give appropriate people a copy.

Remember how Stanley Walker ended his famous 1924 paragraph on the ideal journalist: "When he dies, a lot of people are sorry, and some of them remember him for several days." They may forget you, but if you write your own, your obit will live forever.

Dedication & the Root of My Obsession

ALDEN WHITMAN ~ 1924 -1990 "DEATH, THE cliche assures us, is the great leveler; but it obviously levels some a great deal more than others." Thus, states Alden Whitman in the preface to his 1964 epistle, "The Obituary Book." Mr. Whitman did his utmost to create a new form for the obituary in print and to, perhaps, make the playing field a bit more level for many of us. Alden Whitman elevated obituary writing to an art form. At "The New York Times" they called him The Mortician and were always asking him, "Who'd you pack away on ice today, Alden?" From 1964 until his retirement in 1976, he did what no one had done before: He interviewed his prospective subjects -- sought them out while they were quite healthy, in fact -- and talked to their friends and associates. Whitman looked for personal details, anecdotes, information beyond the cold facts in Who's Who or on a resume. After conducting the interviews, Whitman wrote the obituary. Often, ghoulish as it may sound, the obit would then be set in type, ready to run when death occurred.

In former NPR host Susan Stamberg's book "Talk," (1980) she interviewed Alden Whitman. STAMBERG: Have you written your own obituary? WHITMAN: No, but I may. The one reason I would write it is...simply because I would like to set down the facts correctly as I know them -- simple, short and sweet, and that's it. STAMBERG: Do you read the obituary pages first in the paper every day? WHITMAN: I read page one and then I turn to the obits. STAMBERG: Did you do that before you became the Time's number one obituary writer? WHITMAN: Yes, I think I've always been interested in obituaries. I am really interested in biography. And obituaries are a form of biography. Every life is worth something, obviously. My feeling is that there are neglected lives and lives that shouldn't be neglected. The class system operates on the obit page as well as everywhere else. People who are rich and famous tend to be treated more adequately than those who are unrich and unfamous and yet those lives may be as interesting and certainly as worthwhile and contribute as much to society, as the rich ones. STAMBERG: Was anyone resistant to your approach? Has anyone ever turned you down? WHITMAN: I have been turned down by remarkably few. Some have been hesitant at first. One of these was Sir Anthony Eden, British Prime Minister in 1956."I have never given a private interview," he wrote me. In London in 1967 I pressed him by telephone. Pleasantly, he said no again, until I had the wit to say, "But, sir, this is not an interview for now, but for the future." "Oh," he replied, brightening, "you mean it's for when I'm dead." "Well, that's the short of it," I said. "In that case," he continued, "do come and have tea with me at the House of Lords."

Editor's Note: Mr. Whitman's book is at the heart of what turned my attention to obituaries. In his book I read a fascinating obit of novelist Fannie Hurst (1889 - 1968) who wrote "Back Street" and "Imitation of Life." Whitman's obit inspired me to learn more about Ms. Hurst and it began a growing fondness for her writing and life. He mentioned her autobiography, "Anatomy of Me: A Wanderer in Search of Herself," which I purchased and read once a year. In her obit he shared endearing details of her life, especially with her husband pianist Jacques Danielson. "Every Monday morning in the years after his death -- Monday being the day he had died -- she wrote a chatty note addressed to him. Frequently, she used a simple Fannie Hurst phrase: "We had it nice."

COLLECTIVELY WRITTEN OBITUARY FOR ALDEN WHITMAN, THE NEW YORK TIMES, SEPTEMBER 1990: Alden Whitman, a retired reporter for The New York Times who pioneered the use of interviews of notable people to personalize and energize their obituaries, died yesterday at the Hotel de Paris in Monte Carlo. He was 76 years old and lived in Southhampton, L.I. (Simple, Short & Sweet, Just Like He Wanted.)